I haven't done a tarot reading in a long time, and with all of the shit constantly going through my head, I felt like it would be a good idea. I'm still pretty new at this, and refer back to the manual that came with my particular deck (The Renaissance Tarot by Brian Williams) and instructive books often. I lit Nag Champa and laid out amonite, angelite, and a custom Flower of Life organ pendant, set with an equally customized intention: quartz, amethyst, kyanite, shungite, tourmaline, smoky quartz, garnet, tigers eye, moonstone, selenite, obsidian, fluorite, carnelian, amber, iolite, metal flakes, and iron oxide. "I am healed in every way. I focus on positive thoughts and gain more strength everyday. I AM strong, beautiful, and able to overcome and achieve anything and everything." I went with a simple, straightforward layout that is usually referred to as PEMS - how you're doing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And it is important to remember that order!
- Physical: The Knight of Cups - The knight rides his mount with trappings of interlaced hearts. His attributes are the constellation Scorpio an the archangel Raphael. Divinatory Meaning: A person of turbulent, poetic, romantic cast. An opportunity or favorable event in the near future. Deep feeling transformed into verse, music, or visions.
- Emotional: The Nine of Swords - In a rage of grief, Achilles drags the body of Hector, whom he has killed in combat, around the walls of Troy. Divinatory Meaning: Revenge. Excessive or violent response to a problem. Jealousy.
- Mental: The Fool - The Fool is dressed in an elaborate slashed costume of a sixteenth-century court jester. The plumes in his hair signify folly, and the staff he holds is surmounted with grapes and a tiny skull, symbols of Bacchic abandon and terror. The Fool's companion deity is, in fact, Dionysus (Bacchus), and he is accompanied by the leopard Dionysus brought back from his wandering revels in India. A lily of the valley flowers at the Fool's feet, symbolizing blithe innocence and simplicity ("Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin..." Matthew 6:28) and the advent of spring. The Fool signifies rebirth and new beginnings, as does the constellation Aries; the pagan god Dionysus, who was dismembered and made whole again, as his grape vine is pruned to be renewed in spring; and the Christian savior, whose resurrection is symbolized by the lily and whose feast, like those of Dionysus and Demeter and Eleusis, is celebrated with the grape and the grain. Divinatory Meaning: The personality in the primal state, the willful child in all of us. Instinct. Innocence. Impulsive actions. Setting off in a new direction in life. Liberation of the impulses. Insight and wit from instinct rather than instruction.
- Spiritual: The Four of Cups - The sisters of Psyche are jealous over her fabulous wealth and her happiness. They plant in Psyche's heart the suspicion that her invisible lover must be a monster. Divinatory Meaning: Jealousy and envy. Suspicion of a loved one. Nagging doubts.
The card drawn for "spirituality" left me feeling weird, but it would make sense if it's my relationship issues keeping me from being where I need to be with my Higher Power, so I shuffled, reset my intentions on relationship specifically, and drew a new card.
- The King of Swords - The king of swords, an armored and bearded man, sits on a castle-like throne. The sun and the planet Mars attend him. Reverse Meaning: Abuse of power. Tyranny. Cruelty. The empty striving for control. Failed attempt at mastery.
The thing about drawing the King of Swords, for me, is I see myself in all of those attributes. My vain attempts to hold together what obviously isn't there, my codependency, and my need to control everyone and everything around me. I have real issues with letting things go and allowing people to be where they are, because I'm so used to playing the victim and being afraid of rejection and abandonment. I was hoping to get some insight on how to fix my relationships, and what do you know? It all points back to needing to work on myself. I can't get caught up in my own head about where I went wrong and what I did or didn't do to push people away, which is way easier said than done, but it's what I have to keep reminding myself. My failed relationships can't solely be blamed on me; I did play a part, but so did they. I've always been with men just as sick as myself, but where I cling and need constant validation, they tend to emotionally withdraw. At least, that's been my interpretation of it. Save for my very first boyfriend, I have no idea of any potential closure or what happened to lead up to where I am today except for the involvement of drugs and resulting circumstances. One did me real dirty, and the other I can't help but want to believe everything he says to me, but for now I can't look at him, speak to him, see what he's doing, etc. It sucks. I think about him all the time, and that's blocking me from progressing. No wonder I'm acting out! I need attention and validation, and a woman can tell me something about myself but it won't mean anything unless I hear it from a man. I can recognize these things finally, but I have to take steps to change them. No wonder all of my closest friends are men. I have to stop that, because I start wanting to control them. I get jealous when they enter into new relationships and I'm no longer a priority. All of the other cards I pulled - man! All seem to link straight to that relationship card. Okay, HP, I get it. Stop stressing over him and focus on yourself. You can do this.
Other than that, all I've really done since getting back home is make one to even five meetings a day, go to IOP, go to the gym at least five days a week, try to stay busy, and make attempts to get step work done and apply to jobs. I haven't been nearly as successful in those areas as I'd like, but I am putting forth an effort. I also have slacked on my meditations already and need to change that. I'm eating entirely too much again, despite the Prozac, and it's getting to me. I need to stay occupied so I don't wander around the house aimlessly. Half of me wants to lock myself in my room and sleep all day every day, and the other wants to get out and never come back. Neither are good or likely situations, so I have to accept something in the middle. As it is, I've been writing more on my Instagram than on here because I haven't found the time to sit down and plan anything out. I actually had photos to go with this post but my iCloud seems to be acting up, so whatever. This is a half-assed attempt at discipline anyway. I need to get ready to go to a couple evening meetings; so much for trying to skate today. I've been listening to the OST from The Last of Us all day, and I'd rather be in bed!
Other than that, all I've really done since getting back home is make one to even five meetings a day, go to IOP, go to the gym at least five days a week, try to stay busy, and make attempts to get step work done and apply to jobs. I haven't been nearly as successful in those areas as I'd like, but I am putting forth an effort. I also have slacked on my meditations already and need to change that. I'm eating entirely too much again, despite the Prozac, and it's getting to me. I need to stay occupied so I don't wander around the house aimlessly. Half of me wants to lock myself in my room and sleep all day every day, and the other wants to get out and never come back. Neither are good or likely situations, so I have to accept something in the middle. As it is, I've been writing more on my Instagram than on here because I haven't found the time to sit down and plan anything out. I actually had photos to go with this post but my iCloud seems to be acting up, so whatever. This is a half-assed attempt at discipline anyway. I need to get ready to go to a couple evening meetings; so much for trying to skate today. I've been listening to the OST from The Last of Us all day, and I'd rather be in bed!
