Happy New Year!

Well, it's certainly belated, but if you keep up with my Instagram you've probably already seen that the first twenty-four hours or so of 2018 were rather rough for me. Without getting in to a lot of the internal drama that brought it on, I'm currently tapering off the Prozac I've been taking for the past year, am going through a lot of hormonal fluctuations, dietary changes, have bad seasonal affective disorder (and it's been gloomy as hell), and the moon was in Cancer and happened to be full the night of the first (hah!). But really, those are all excuses. Once again I let these unrealistic expectations of other people fill my head, and I put myself in situations to be reminded of how these same people are not good for me. It's my fault. And there are a lot of people out there who love me who do great things for me and go out of their way and I never appreciate them for that because they're not "the one", or because it's a woman instead of a man and men tell me what I want to hear rather than what I need to hear, and blah blah blah. This isn't supposed to be a post about my codependency issues though, so let me just end this rambling with the utmost love and gratitude to those people who have stood by me through it all, who never gave up on me when things got tough (and damn, do they--I'm not an easy person to deal with!), whether we've known each other years or only weeks; the ones with whom I brought in the new year; and the ones who pulled me back out of it by kidnapping me and forcing me to leave the dungeon that is my bedroom... or, well. The comfiest dungeon ever.

So! What to write about in this new year's post. I already began some obligatory review in the previous update, but I suppose I can get a little more in-depth since I have more time to sit down and type and friends have been asking for details. Let's start from the beginning then.

• January: Brought in 2017 at an inpatient treatment facility and went home Jan 4. Sophie went missing. Went to Connecticut to see my Grandfather take his last breath Jan 13 and spent the next week helping Mom clean out his things, and went snowboarding for the first time.
• February: Got back to working Steps. Started going back to the gym. Went with Mom to visit Grandma and Bob in Florida. 
• March: Went back to SportClips. Made a big ole post for NEDAwareness Week.
• April: Race for Recovery. Panic! at the Disco at the FedEx Forum. Bought a car.
• May: Spent most of the month working through a very devastating breakup. Decided to stay off social media for a while. 
• June: Spring River!
• July: Began work on my stomach piece. 28th birthday. Saw The Little Mermaid at the Orpheum with Mom and sisters.
• August: Finished half sleeve. Maggie passed Aug 7. Started back at Southwest for fall semester.
• September: Moved into an apartment with Tony and Bee.
• October: NA Halloween party. Attended my first wedding. Sparda passed away.
• November: Finally got a year clean! Spent Thanksgiving cleaning the apartment. Saw Phantom of the Opera at the Orpheum with Mom and Amanda.
• December: Christmas Eve at Aunt Liz's and Christmas day at Mom's. Spent New Year's eve at the NA party then caught the last half hour of the AA party before going to a friend's house to shoot off fireworks and set a massive bonfire. 

This year had a lot of ups and a lot of downs, but it's important for me to remember when I'm feeling low that all feelings and all experiences are necessary as a foundation on which to build the rest of my life. The things I go through, achieve, fail, etc., all contribute to make me who I am today and those are all important and they are all valid. (Does that mean I have to like any of it? Hell no.) I experienced a lot of death and loss and grief right off the bat, a lot of inconsistencies and trust issues within relationships, but you know? One of the most important things I heard all year that still rings in my head constantly, was when I first saw someone I love dearly after radio silence for years, when he told me that there was something different about me, that I'm still me but there was hope in me he'd never seen before, that he was proud of me and loved what I'd become. I'm the first to admit that I can be very pessimistic and negative and that's not really gone away, but I don't have to allow those thoughts to take over and affect my mood and my every action. I am capable of changing my behavior regardless of the thoughts in my head. Do I suffer from a disease that tells me things that aren't real and constantly tries to sabotage my thinking? Yes, but I have healthier coping mechanisms today, a better network of people around me, and I'm learning to be more independent and self-sufficient. I spend time with people when time allows because I want to and I genuinely enjoy their company, not just to escape myself. I don't need constant male validation (it helps, but it's not necessary, thank you). 

Most of all I'm working on learning balance and how to prioritize my time and energy to best achieve my goals. I have to work to pay my bills, but I also have to go to school to get a degree to make better money and do what I really want to do. That doesn't leave me with much spare time, but I have to work out because it's like therapy and even just an hour a day keeps me from totally hating my body. But I couldn't do any of these things if it weren't for my recovery, so where does all of this fit in? How do I make enough meetings a week and talk to and meet with my sponsor and do step work? Oh and I have to prepare all of my meals ahead of time because finding time to eat at work is difficult enough, I don't need to be reaching for junk and making things worse on my brain and my skin (it's getting better, I think), and making sure I drink enough water and stay away from sugar and limit my caffeine and I've given up smoking so I just want to eat all the damn time and it's so much! I haven' written even in my private diary for a while because finding time to sit still to organize my thoughts seems like such a chore. I get lonely and feel guilty when people actually want to spend time with me and I have to say no, but I'm also working on people-pleasing. I'm trying to learn to read through people's motives and decide who is good for me and who isn't, because I tend to be attracted to assholes because they're the fun ones but in the end I am left even more alone and confused and my feelings are hurt and that applies to friendships just as much as anything more intimate. Basically, I'm still learning a lot of things, but going into 2018 I have a lot more knowledge and experience under my belt than last year. 

Thank you to anyone who read through that mess. I feel like a lot more needs to be said to expand on any of those things, but at the moment I'm not sure how to go about that. I have a post planned to go more in-depth on my current meal plan and workout routine and maybe something about my top products from the past year (I may have an online shopping problem...), but if there's anything else I should write about, please feel free to make suggestions! I still have a little over a week before the spring semester begins and I would love to spend it writing! xoxo