One Year!

It's been quite a while since I've updated this thing (which was something I really wanted to keep up with), but at least this time it's because I've been busy in constructive ways rather than just totally fucking everything up in some way or another. For one, I've been back full-time at work, have been back in school this past fall semester and doing homework, have been trying to stay working on my step work and going to meetings, and hitting the gym for at least 45 minutes to an hour every day. A month into working I was able to replace the vehicle I totaled in my relapse and in September, I finally moved out into my own place with one of my best friends and Bee, and as of yesterday I hit 365 days clean. (On a side note: As of today, I'm also 254 days free from self-harm, 117 days since my last cigarette, and 63 days since my last purge!) I have had so many blessings over this past year and most of them all come down to simply not picking back up, but I can confidently say that I've worked hard for a lot of them, too.

One of the biggest things has been for me to work on doing what I need to for myself and getting over the feelings of guilt and selfishness when I chose my own needs over others'. I've had to cut people out of my life this year that have hurt, and it's not even that they necessarily did anything to me or I'm mad, but they are not currently conducive to my goals, or do not have my best interests in mind, or it's just better that I love them from afar and let them be where they're at. Another big thing has been staying off social media because I'm terrible about getting all in my head and jealous seeing people live their lives without me, as if I'm the most important person and how dare anyone not include me. I may slowly re-acclimate, but for now it just keeps a lot of stress and anxiety off me to just stay away. Another big thing for me has been setting these unrealistic expectations on people that they will never meet, because I hold them to a standard that just isn't possible; I have the tendency to fantasize about who I think someone should be rather than see them for who they really are, and I end up hurt and resentful in the end for some dumb shit I put into my own head. Plus, I'm staying so busy lately that I just don't have time to focus on anyone that isn't keeping up with me. That sounds super self-centered, but what's worse than someone reaching out to you, you agree you should meet up sometimes, but they immediately say they're too busy for the foreseeable future? The semester is almost over, school won't last forever, but I've worked very hard to get back in and I'm not compromising anymore. I'm still very new in recovery despite being in and out for four years, and I'll lose everything and everyone if I fall off again. It's like those signs on airplanes for oxygen masks, where they say to put on your own before assisting anyone else; I'm no good to anyone if I can't even take care of myself so right now I have to be selfish and do what needs to be done. I've established a routine and if anything interrupts that, it throws me off.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but I guess it was more for the people who keep running into me asking me where I've been, why I'm never online, etc. My spare time is usually spent doing homework, working out, step work, or sleeping. I admit I did binge watch Stranger Things 2 the night it came out and I saw Justice League last night with my home group, but those instances are few and far between and I can't wait till Christmas break to have time to catch up on all the books and comics I have to finish! Anyway, this weekend a lone has been busy. I was asked to speak at a good friend's anniversary Friday and I agreed to speak at another one tonight, and my own is tomorrow! It's very surreal and a little overwhelming. For now though, off to the gym so I can get that out of the way and run laundry while I work on my math homework. Love you all.