I'm really out of the habit of journaling; I haven't even been keeping up with my personal one for the past few months, which is really unlike me. But I haven't taken time off because I'm out getting into trouble like in the past, so that's a relief. As a matter of fact, here's what I wrote a year ago today, in Serenity:
It's Christmas Eve and more shit has gone on all weekend than has the entire month I've been here. I got moved to Lowenstein where I'm back on a top bunk (talk about being reminded of Karat Place!), but it's so much quieter. I've been trying to finish my life story but there's so much going on all the damn time that I can't think and it's depressing enough to remember as it is. I've not been keeping up with affirmations and mood trackers, but I'm trying to remind myself of why I'm here, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. I literally can't have five seconds of peace and quiet.
Needless to say, I can only go up from there, especially considering the Christmas prior I was running around between houses trying to stay high. I hated it at the time, but an entire holiday season spent in treatment so I never have to use again is worth all of the freedom that follows.
Anyway, I haven't really posted since March, so let me get everyone up to speed (and somewhat knock out a year-end post at the same time): In June I went on the annual Spring River, AR, trip with fellow members of our NA region. It was my second year going and I did it with my RV fam again and I always look forward to going. We get disgusting and burnt but it's always worth it. In July, I went to Pete Miller and started a coverup of my very first tattoo on my hip that actually takes up half my stomach as a birthday present to myself. I haven't been able to work on it since the first session, but intend to get back to it after the new year. It's so sick, and since the original tattoo was a crab for my Zodiac sign, I wanted to go with that theme and kept the crab for my Rising/sun in Cancer, added a scorpion for my moon sign, and a Snake for the year of my birth. It's also covering up a lot of old scar tissue from years of self-harm, so while those spots were painful, the ink took well and it makes me feel a bit more confident about the area. In August I finally finished the half-sleeve KP had started two years ago (hahaha oops) and I love it so much. I get complimented on it all the time as it is, but especially now that it's fully colored. Shortly after that, my father and I took Maggie to be put to sleep. It was a difficult decision to make and we prayed for months that she would just go on her own, but eventually it was more than evident that living was only causing her pain. She couldn't move on her own, she could barely hear or see, and when it got to the point that food didn't excite her anymore, we knew. We got her an ice cream cone on the way and had the windows rolled down because she always loved car rides, and I sat with her the whole time. It was one of the very, very few times in my entire life I've seen my dad cry. It's still very painful to think about, but I know she's in a better place now with her pup Zoe, and she lived such a long time for a lab, longer than Pepper did. I still miss seeing her every time I go to Mom's, and I know Lily is still adjusting. That leads me to the next event, that I finally moved out in late September! Most everyone knows I've been living at Mom's since late 2013 (minus the month I tried to leave, Oded, and ended up in halfway for six months, and then last year in treatment), and it's not only so far away from everything I like to do, but I just felt trapped, like back to being a child. I'm directly across the street from my gym, and it's just me and Bee and Tony and I love it. I do miss having a washing machine and dryer of my own, but at least I can use the one on-site. November marked my very first year clean! I did write about that somewhat, but more than anything I know the biggest difference has just been in my mind-set and attitude. Am I doing perfectly? No, but I'm making much more of a conscious effort to change for the better and realize that any fix that could come from using or other destructive behaviors is temporary, and will only make matters worse in the long run.
I went back to Southwest this past fall semester to take Biology I and Pre-Calculus, and between part-time school and full-time work, I barely had time to do anything else. I did manage to make it to the gym on average five days a week for at least an hour, but that's about it. Even with all of that time put into studying and neglecting any attempt at a social life, I still did terribly in Biology. Does that mean it's not what I'm meant to do? I can't decide that yet. I already have next semester filled up full-time because I'm close to getting an associates degree, which means I'm that much closer to working on my bachelors, and I can't let one slip up push me back. This is not where I saw myself being ten years ago, but I'm doing the best I can, and hopefully in another ten years I won't look back at these upcoming years with the same kind of shame. Life happens. Keep working towards doing better. I'm not giving up that easily.
Also, a jab at myself, I decided to start meal-prepping and eating super clean three days ago and while it feels great, the binge-monster in the back of my head is going nuts and I haven't even made it to the first of the family Christmas festivities. That's my own fault for thinking I can get through this weekend unscathed. I've been doing all the workouts planned out for me but the gym is closed tomorrow so I'll just walk, and if I eat something I'm not supposed to, it'll be okay. I've made it this far going back and forth and I'm still here, so the occasional sweet won't kill me. The biggest thing is implementing and sticking to the discipline. Diet has always been the most difficult part of working out for me, but I'll get into more detail about that for anyone who cares a bit later, once I've done it a little longer. So far I'm loving it.
My laundry is done, I have the hiccups, need to get ready for Christmas Eve at my aunt's, and this update is pretty quick and lacking major details, but that's the gist of it. Hope everyone has had a wonderful and safe holiday season regardless of what you do (or don't) celebrate. (Honestly I'm ready for it to be over so everything is less hectic and goes back to normal, but I don't need to wish away my whole life!)
Anyway, I haven't really posted since March, so let me get everyone up to speed (and somewhat knock out a year-end post at the same time): In June I went on the annual Spring River, AR, trip with fellow members of our NA region. It was my second year going and I did it with my RV fam again and I always look forward to going. We get disgusting and burnt but it's always worth it. In July, I went to Pete Miller and started a coverup of my very first tattoo on my hip that actually takes up half my stomach as a birthday present to myself. I haven't been able to work on it since the first session, but intend to get back to it after the new year. It's so sick, and since the original tattoo was a crab for my Zodiac sign, I wanted to go with that theme and kept the crab for my Rising/sun in Cancer, added a scorpion for my moon sign, and a Snake for the year of my birth. It's also covering up a lot of old scar tissue from years of self-harm, so while those spots were painful, the ink took well and it makes me feel a bit more confident about the area. In August I finally finished the half-sleeve KP had started two years ago (hahaha oops) and I love it so much. I get complimented on it all the time as it is, but especially now that it's fully colored. Shortly after that, my father and I took Maggie to be put to sleep. It was a difficult decision to make and we prayed for months that she would just go on her own, but eventually it was more than evident that living was only causing her pain. She couldn't move on her own, she could barely hear or see, and when it got to the point that food didn't excite her anymore, we knew. We got her an ice cream cone on the way and had the windows rolled down because she always loved car rides, and I sat with her the whole time. It was one of the very, very few times in my entire life I've seen my dad cry. It's still very painful to think about, but I know she's in a better place now with her pup Zoe, and she lived such a long time for a lab, longer than Pepper did. I still miss seeing her every time I go to Mom's, and I know Lily is still adjusting. That leads me to the next event, that I finally moved out in late September! Most everyone knows I've been living at Mom's since late 2013 (minus the month I tried to leave, Oded, and ended up in halfway for six months, and then last year in treatment), and it's not only so far away from everything I like to do, but I just felt trapped, like back to being a child. I'm directly across the street from my gym, and it's just me and Bee and Tony and I love it. I do miss having a washing machine and dryer of my own, but at least I can use the one on-site. November marked my very first year clean! I did write about that somewhat, but more than anything I know the biggest difference has just been in my mind-set and attitude. Am I doing perfectly? No, but I'm making much more of a conscious effort to change for the better and realize that any fix that could come from using or other destructive behaviors is temporary, and will only make matters worse in the long run.I went back to Southwest this past fall semester to take Biology I and Pre-Calculus, and between part-time school and full-time work, I barely had time to do anything else. I did manage to make it to the gym on average five days a week for at least an hour, but that's about it. Even with all of that time put into studying and neglecting any attempt at a social life, I still did terribly in Biology. Does that mean it's not what I'm meant to do? I can't decide that yet. I already have next semester filled up full-time because I'm close to getting an associates degree, which means I'm that much closer to working on my bachelors, and I can't let one slip up push me back. This is not where I saw myself being ten years ago, but I'm doing the best I can, and hopefully in another ten years I won't look back at these upcoming years with the same kind of shame. Life happens. Keep working towards doing better. I'm not giving up that easily.
Also, a jab at myself, I decided to start meal-prepping and eating super clean three days ago and while it feels great, the binge-monster in the back of my head is going nuts and I haven't even made it to the first of the family Christmas festivities. That's my own fault for thinking I can get through this weekend unscathed. I've been doing all the workouts planned out for me but the gym is closed tomorrow so I'll just walk, and if I eat something I'm not supposed to, it'll be okay. I've made it this far going back and forth and I'm still here, so the occasional sweet won't kill me. The biggest thing is implementing and sticking to the discipline. Diet has always been the most difficult part of working out for me, but I'll get into more detail about that for anyone who cares a bit later, once I've done it a little longer. So far I'm loving it.
My laundry is done, I have the hiccups, need to get ready for Christmas Eve at my aunt's, and this update is pretty quick and lacking major details, but that's the gist of it. Hope everyone has had a wonderful and safe holiday season regardless of what you do (or don't) celebrate. (Honestly I'm ready for it to be over so everything is less hectic and goes back to normal, but I don't need to wish away my whole life!)
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