Imperfection

Instagram story: @c0lter

With today being the designated "snow day" and thusly not having to do eight hours behind the chair, I suddenly find that I have plenty of time to do this update that I've been meaning to work on since my last one, haha. But really, I'd rather not go over twenty miles across bridges and through busy intersections with the people of this city behind the wheel. I don't quite trust my own decrepit car, let alone a stranger in the lane beside me. Who's going to get a hair cut today, anyway? We've been dead most of the week as it is. I woke up early to go to the gym where it was empty and hated that it was a cardio/rest day, because with the new year come all the resolutioners and no cables or benches to be found during certain hours of the day, and the whole weight area was wide open. I did do some hip thrusts because they're my favorite.

As for the subject at hand: I pulled a random topic at my sponsor's birthday meeting on Monday but didn't get a chance to share, and it's been on my mind ever since. "Imperfection." She chose these topics because they are different things that she does or has struggled with, and while some people drew some super obvious and relatable ones, I feel like imperfection is on a whole different level. Someone shared on "fear" and especially regarding relationships, and someone else shared about "codependency," and lord knows I can relate to all of that and then some, and various meetings I've attended since have either been about working with others and sponsorship, and last night was about the Fourth Step. There's a lot going on here so just bear with me; I tend to write very train-of-thought so I will do my best to keep it organized and not get too distracted.

I'm currently on my Sixth Step (for those of you not in a Twelve Step fellowship, that is "We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character"), and said defects are intentionally brought to light by working a Fourth Step inventory and going over it with another human being (ie. a sponsor) in a Fifth Step. Fourth Steps can be super intimidating, but they are so essential to getting anywhere. I saw my behavior patterns and so many of the same repeating themes, which go into my Sixth Step as some of my most glaring character defects: mostly, issues with control, holding others to unrealistic expectations, codependency, super low self-esteem/self-worth, holding on to the resentments of others, etc. I have a lot of fears specifically surrounding my relationships with other people, particularly close, intimate relationships. I compare myself to just about every female I encounter. I make friends easier with men because I crave male validation and not that I have a desire to be with them necessarily, but just because it gives me a sense of control. I get insanely jealous when another female interferes. There have been so many instances where I'm totally overreacting but whether we are strictly friends or not, if there is a new girl involved, you better believe I'm going to super compare myself and no matter how much of it is actually true, I'll always convince myself she's cooler, prettier, smarter, whatever, all of the above. I want to be liked, admired, loved so desperately that I put myself in terrible situations with people who are totally unattached who may have shown me five seconds of attention because that's all I feel I deserve. There is no such thing as real love and real connection, right? So I'd better get what I can or I'll just be completely alone forever. And that may very well be my fate, but if I accept and love myself, that's not so bad, right? And how do I go about that? 

Literature says that getting out of ourselves by doing service work and helping others is one of the most crucial methods of developing our self-esteem, but the program itself also emphasizes becoming a more responsible and productive member of society. So where's the balance? I work full time, am going back to school to earn my undergrad (full time this semester) in the pursuit of a better career, pay my bills, keep my home as clean as possible, try to be super organized, am actively working on my health and mental/emotional state by regularly exercising, eating better, and finally getting insurance so I can get regular checkups and just in case, etc. But those things alone take up so much of my time, and I still need to attend meetings. I don't have time to meet new people and fellowshipping with the friends I already have in the program is important, though during the school year I'm significantly limited. That doesn't mean I don't want to see or hear from my friends who aren't in recovery, but that's a million times harder to pull off simply because I won't potentially run into them in the rooms. I know I should be working with others, but I've been slacking on my own step work and talking to my own sponsor, and I'm too lenient and don't know how to practice tough love with newcomers. I'm either all up in their shit trying to fix them or totally absent from the situation all together. My attempts to eat better and exercise have gotten in the way of my abilities to socialize when I am able to, because my eating disorder is still there in the back of my mind waiting for the opportunity to fuck everything up, or tell me I'm not allowed to go out to eat with everyone after a meeting because I don't deserve food, or eat everything, or better yet don't be seen at all because you're too goddamn fat and hideous. Better to just hide and slave away at work or studying or go for a million walks a day or obsessively count calories in the guise of attempting this whole "macro" thing. I have a goal of over 1600 calories a day and unless I've binged, I may be lucky to hit half of that. I don't know how to do things intuitively. I'm all or nothing. How can I help anyone when I can't even help myself?

I was under no delusion that hitting a year would magically mean my life would be amazing. I'm too much a realist (some might argue a pessimist) to assume anything like that. I did, however, hope that putting all this time away from using under my belt would help to clear up my head. I know it takes time, longer for some than others, and as I stated before, I've hit a plateau in the work I'm putting forth because I'm so focused on what material gain I've received that I'm not sticking to basics. I'm fine for right now. I'm able to see that and know I need to change my behaviors. The biggest problem is one of my major defects is procrastination and laziness and this time of year does not help my motivation to get anything done. I just want to sit around and drink spiced tea all day and cuddle in bed and play video games or read or something. At least constantly obsessively killing the time in the gym is somewhat productive, right?

But okay, back to imperfection. I think a fundamental underlying issue in my mental illness and with most addicts as a whole is the need to control everything, to make life as perfect as possible. If you would only behave and do as I think you should, everything would be fine. If my family didn't keep junk in the house, I wouldn't have an issue with overeating. If people didn't drive like idiots, I'd never have to rush across town anywhere. I've heard for so long coming in and out of the rooms how people would get some clean time and devote themselves to something like going back to school and being so successful, how maybe they never did well academically growing up but starting over went surprisingly well, and this past semester, that was not my experience. I did very well in school up until I graduated and went on to college where I just stopped caring once I found I had to do any work. I thought maybe since everyone always tells me how intelligent and smart I am, I'd find that I was better at school than I ended up being. I hate myself because I'm not the perfect student. I'm not the perfect employee, coworker, daughter, sister, girlfriend, roommate, spins, friend, whatever. I dedicate so much of my time to worrying about my body and it's not enough. I don't make enough money. Time moves by too slowly or too fast so I never have enough time to get anything done or I end up too lazy. I'm not good enough for anyone to stick around. It's so damn easy to get stuck in this negative loop! It's overwhelming and exhausting. I wish I could say I have better coping mechanisms today than I used to and I can snap out of it with no problem, but the truth is I don't. The improvements I've made have been to make it (as of today) 420 days clean, 308 days free from self-harm, and 117 days since I'd last purged. I haven't had a cigarette in almost six months and have gone over one without any nicotine at all. I haven't really stuck with my positive methods either, of writing or talking to people, but I'm not reacting on my first impulses, sleeping all day, starving myself, crying for hours on end, etc. I have been trying to make meetings and not be alone, and I'm sitting down to write this now. It's a mess, haha. This hasn't been the most uplifting post I've ever written by any means, but certainly not the most depressing. 

A year ago today I was on the way north to see Grandpa for the last time, and that's really hard to comprehend. So much has happened over the past thirteen+ months. So much that no matter how many times I talk or write about them, it still seems so difficult to just perceive, like last winter I should have died. Really, I should have died many times over the many years of my using and not, but I really, really should have this last time. Circumstances made avoiding treatment very difficult, but I didn't fight it this time because I genuinely wanted it. It took every bit of willpower to stay put for over 42 days, but I did it, and while I was in there I remember vividly thinking about how NA in the Memphis area is so small, and there are so few women with any decent time, and I would be doing a great disservice to any newcomer out there by failing in my own program when I could help someone else. Do I feel ready to sponsor? No. Do I feel like I'd be a good sponsor? Probably not. But what I've learned through my own experience is that it's not about being perfect, whether it's in a sponsorship, a friendship, even an acquaintance, it's just about being there for someone, being present, offering your experience, or just listening when needed. It's checking my own personal biases for the benefit of someone else and showing them the love and tolerance that was shown to me. Who cares if I like someone or who they're associated with or what they're doing or have done? As long as you're doing your best to progress, I'll stick around. And you deserve the same in return. I'm not interested in being cool and certainly not perfect, and I am working hard on accepting that I do not have to prove anything to be worthy of love and respect. This really did go all over the place. This is why I haven't been sharing in meetings; my mind is going in every different direction too quickly to stay on any one train of thought long enough to get it out so I don't make a whole lot of sense. Hopefully having typed it helps somewhat. But as for now, I'm going to get back to step work, maybe take a walk, and enjoy the rest of this spontaneous day off before going back to real life tomorrow. xoxo