Catch-Up Stuff!

And once again, I've gone way too long without an entry. I keep meaning to do better, but life gets in the way. I haven't even journaled since my last blog post in January! As someone who has always found comfort in writing through my feelings, no wonder life has felt so overwhelming! Writing is an outlet for me, where I can be far more personal and vulnerable than maybe I'm capable of saying out loud, and when I don't make time for it, it just all bottles up inside until I want to explode. So that's my goal with this entry, to get caught up on the events of the past few months and talk some about what's going on in my life today.

I completed my first full year back at school earlier this month, and though I dropped some classes and didn't make the best grades in the ones I finished, simply making it that far is a huge accomplishment for me. I'll return in the fall, and for now I'm taking the summer off to catch up on the online veterinary assistant course I've been taking, am still working full time, and will be assistant manager soon, so I'm taking those training courses during the week. I brought home a new baby who is now four months old, and is a total spam. Her name is Kali and she terrorizes poor Bee, but I think he's learning to tolerate her now. My apartment is coming along slowly but surely, and feels more and more comfortable each day. I've been slacking off at the gym and having a lot of trouble with food again though, and that's what brings us to the realness of today. I got back on my antidepressants over about two months ago and went back to the same dosage I'd been on, which helped for a couple days, but something's not right in my head and no amount of serotonin being pumped into my brain and repressing the desire to overeat can beat my emotional bingeing as a coping mechanism / way to punish myself for whatever I happen to feel the need to be punished for. I'll do really well for a few days to a week, then make the mistake of thinking I can eat something sweet, and it starts all over again. It's not nearly as big a deal when I'm working out regularly, but I've been lacking motivation at the gym and so that has suffered tremendously. I've put on far too much weight again, and with the annual NA Spring River trip right around the corner, I feel completely defeated and like I'd rather skip it and curl into a ball in a hole and hide for the rest of my life. I'm self-conscious as it is, but the idea of being in a bathing suit whether I'm around friends, strangers, or even totally alone gives me so much anxiety it makes me physically ill. But enough about that. I complain enough to my sponsor and girl friends when I'm in a bad place, and I'm trying to stay out of the negative today. Besides, this isn't an ED post (I'm sparing you all, really).

I've been thinking a lot about my goals lately. I'm almost out of my twenties and the idea of growing older still freaks me out. I certainly didn't expect to have so little accomplished by 28. But on the flip side of that thinking, my experience have put me in a very unique position to not only help other people, but to teach me to truly work for what I want. Growing up, I can't exactly say things were handed to me, but I did have the advantages of growing up middle class, white, attending parochial schools, etc. I made really good grades without having to put forth any effort whatsoever, and could have gotten a lot more scholarship offers to different schools than I did if only I'd applied for them. Of course, all of those things don't mean that I was ever really okay, especially mentally and emotionally, despite how good it might seem on the outside or written down on paper. I say that to remind myself, most of all. When I feel depressed and really low, I have the tendency to get mad at myself and invalidate how I feel because so many people have it way worse off than I do, which is true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel what I feel. And hating yourself is exhausting. No wonder everyone has always told me I can't love anyone until I love myself; when I'm so busy putting myself down and sabotaging my own life, I don't have time for anyone else. So lately I've been doing my best to make time to work out, continuing to meal prep and start over even when I do slip up, catch up on my online assignments, keep up with my step work, keep in contact with women in recovery, take time to myself, and learn how to tell people no. (I've really been meaning to up my meeting attendance as well, but so far I'm lucky if I make it to my home group every week. Oops.) 

I'll officially have eighteen full, consecutive months clean tomorrow, and I want my two year birthday this November to be all about what I've achieved rather than dwelling on all of the slip ups of my journey to one year. I have my own place, I can pay all of my bills, I own my own car, I have a full-time job with benefits, I'm going back to school in pursuit of the job I've always wanted, and I have wonderful people in my life even if I don't see or speak to them as often as I'd like. And best of all I have two beautiful babies to greet me by the door when I get home every day, and who cuddle up with me all night. Sure, I want a lot of the things I was raised to believe were the end-all-be-all of human existence: a real, loving, stable, healthy relationship (possibly marriage one day); a home of my own with a big yard and thriving garden of both pretty flowers and foods; a dog (or five); my bills totally paid off and debt forgiven; a nice car, huge TV and entertainment system and all the other materialistic things I don't need but would gladly have if money wasn't an option; and the ability to travel the world. But right now - today - I am here, finally sitting down to get a few things out of my head. I went to the gym this morning, have eaten well so far, am about to do some studying and hopefully a little step work before I do a color at home, need to sweep the floors (but it'll probably wait until after the color), and might play a little Silent Hill and/or read before bed. It doesn't sound like enough in the hours of a single day to get me towards where I want to be, but I'm used to instant gratification, which never gives me anything substantial for long. Baby steps. Stay in for the long haul, stay focused, positive, and motivated. Keep doing the little things day in a day out, and they will pay off. I won't lose weight overnight just like I won't gain a million pounds from eating a few extra calories every so often, as long as it does not continue to be the norm. I'll never finish school if I keep putting it off, but even slowly by taking one or two classes a semester is helpful. Consistency is key, and complacency gets you no where but turned around.