My New Mission Statement

New year, new goals! Express gratitude wherever possible!

Don't worry, I'm still a nerd :)

Well aren't I just the queen of making blogs and neglecting them? Anyway, I've honestly reconsidered this thing for a while. I still enjoy sharing photos and recipes and reviews and all of that fun stuff, but I don't do them often and it makes me feel like anything I'd blog about is irrelevant if that's the main focus. For one, I'm not good at maintaining the appearance of having anything together for prolonged periods of time when the reality is quite the opposite. Two, I've gone through a lot and it means so much to me to be able to help prevent others from making the same mistakes that I've made. I've gone through periods of public oversharing and brutal honesty, but mostly I'm isolated and secretive; I'm a recovering addict -- it's what I do. I still love doing hair and am still planning on finishing school, but my life has been put on pause for a little while. As of today, I'm broke, unemployed, still living at my mother's, once again find myself without a vehicle, fresh out of treatment and doing regular outpatient groups, attending twelve-step meetings, and desperately clinging to whatever hope I can find. (I'm also currently in New England taking care of some personal things, but that's for later)

Hope -- that's something I'm not lacking. My current situation really sucks, but I've overcome a lot in the past few months and have finally realized the importance of the saying, "No message without the mess!" I've had to go through hell and back to make any kind of impact on the people out in the world that I need to help. I've been doing a lot of reading in my downtime as well, and currently it's been Safety in Numbers: From 56 to 221 Pounds, My Battle with Eating Disorders, by Brittany Burgunder, someone I stumbled across on Instagram one day. I downloaded the Kindle version of her book months ago, but a lot of the beginning was just trigger-material and I would read it when I wanted to make myself sicker. I know that's not at all the intention, just as when I finally get to writing my own story it may or may not sit well with others, but once I really sat down and started going through it (and remembered that Kindle has a "highlighter" option for me to abuse), I realized how much I could really, honestly relate to everything she said and did. I've never been less than 100 pounds, but nor have I ever been over 200. I have, however, struggled with body image and weight since I was a child, and my addiction first manifested itself through food long before I picked up any illicit substance. Halfway through my reading the other night, I was overcome with this need to speak my peace publicly, and though I'm still ridden with anxiety over the idea of anyone seeing or knowing about this, it was well-received and the people who know me best and whose opinions I actually care about already know all of the gritty shit. Who else is there to impress? Strangers? That's what I'm here for! Not to impress anyone, but to maybe reach someone in need through my own insane testimonies.

I went through treatment at Serenity Recovery Center in Memphis over the holidays, and one of the biggest issues I had to face while there was not my addiction, but myself. My addiction and every symptom of it are results of the way that I feel about myself, and my self-loathing most commonly manifests in extremely destructive behaviors. What you may or may not know about me is I suffer from major depression and panic disorders, I've attempted suicide multiple times, I have an eating disorder, I self-harm, and I'm a drug addict. I've been working on all of these issues on and off for years, but while at Serenity I was stabilized on my medication (today I'm on 60mg of Prozac), and my counselor did a personalized treatment plan specifically targeting my self-esteem. I was made to journal every day for at least ten minutes (which I try to do nightly anyway), make gratitude lists, write down ten positive affirmations about myself, do "mood trackers" (where you write down a negative thought, the underlying feeling, and then a way to positively change that thought), and keep a "spiritual journal" (often times I'd copy the Daily Reflections, rewrite the Serenity Prayer a million times, or just beg my Higher Power to give me patience, understanding, etc.) daily. I've tried to keep up with all of these things in my recent journaling, and so far so good -- but then it has only been a few weeks!

One of my last assignments was to write a love letter to myself. If you know me at all, I'm sure you can imagine my reaction. I got frustrated. I was angry, anxious, thought it was the dumbest assignment ever, and could only think of all the things I hated about myself. I sat down quite a few times trying to figure out where to even begin when my counselor finally handed me a sheet of paper with an example on it. It was the goofiest sounding thing I'd ever read in my life and I wish I had it with me to share, but regardless it got the ball rolling. I ended up really surprising myself and, handwritten, took up four whole pages:

Dear Sarah, 

This is a very uncomfortable and uncertain time for you, so it's important that you learn to be kind to yourself. Sometimes it helps to step outside of yourself to see what everyone else does. We've been together for twenty-seven years now, and so many things have changed, from your interests to your thinking, and obviously your body. I love how much more accepting and open-minded you've become over the past few years, because though intellect has always been present, you needed something else to teach you to share wisdom rather than hoard it. You're a great listener and there are so many reasons why people can barely know you but already feel so comfortable confiding in you; people automatically look to you for direction and leadership even when you're in the same positions they're in; and you are extremely observant, yet unbiased. That takes a lot of practice, because getting emotionally involved can be the easier route. You're so much more artistic and creative than you give yourself credit, and all it takes is getting back into the practice of drawing and painting again. You don't have to hide your portfolios away simply because you lacked confidence in it when you were a teenager. You have so much knowledge and experience to share that it really is such a shame that you subconsciously censor yourself all the time. Doesn't it feel amazing when someone thanks you for sharing? You could feel that all the time, but you have to get over those feelings of inadequacy. You have so much to offer to other women, and your past defines your present character, so don't let it drag you down. They are experiences and strengths, not mistakes and weakness. Every scar is a reminder of what you've endured and survived to tell the tale. You're not that awkward little girl anymore and there's no one left to impress. You're a grown woman and all of those years of trying to fit in to one style or another has left you with no choice but to create your own, and so many people compliment you on it! Wasn't that one of the first reasons Chad gave for wanting to photograph you, and didn't those shots get more attention than you knew how to handle? Even you couldn't deny how good some of them are, which brings us to the physical; it's easy to compliment your brain, because it's what you've relied on your entire life. Always making good grades with minimal effort, absorbing knowledge simply by being present. But you struggle with your body, and that hurts the people who love you. Your family and friends cringe when they see your scars, especially now that you've given up on hiding them. They're a part of you now and though they made fade with time, it's only skin. They tell stories more than the tattoos you spend hundreds of dollars and hours on, and you're not alone, so why be ashamed? How many grown women and men have come to you since you quit hiding to commend you and tell you of their own struggles? How many men and women have openly admitted to their own eating and body image issues because you trusted them to know of yours first? You have so much insight to give and can save a lot of people from going down the same roads, if only you speak up. You have beautiful eyes and do well to play them up but not mask them with cosmetics. You have your grandfather's nose and looked just like him as an infant, and it's a trait you share with your mother and sisters, and if they have such pretty faces, why can't you? You share your dad's crooked smile, but when it's genuine you wear it all over your face. Everyone compliments your hourglass shape but you feel the need to hide in the baggiest clothes, because wide hips are a sign of maturity, womanhood, and sexuality, and you're uncomfortable with all of those elements of yourself; you were not built like an adolescent boy, even as a child, so don't get caught up in the futility of trying to look like one. You work so hard to eat properly and stay active, but results don't appear overnight. Your body has endured a lot of abuse in the past but it's still functioning properly most of the time. It just needs to be given a chance to heal. You have run, walked, and swam so many miles, danced nights away, and put in blood, sweat, and tears for the things you truly want, and not everyone is physically able to do that. Your vision isn't so far gone that it's can't be corrected, you have excellent senses of hearing and smell, you are eloquent, and it's not a sin to occasionally indulge in delicious things -- that's why we can taste! You must learn to nurture your body and mind with food, not punish it. Everyone makes mistakes, and making one isn't a failure, but a learning opportunity. And your personality: how many times have you made yourself laugh but held it in? You're funny and others appreciate it when you don't hold it in. People appreciate how you are uniquely you and don't follow the crowd or change for other people. Your thoughts and opinions are your own, but you're not so set in your ways that you can't see someone else's views. You're empathetic and compassionate, and sometimes people will take advantage of that, but don't let it make you bitter. Your patience and tolerance are growing as you, too, learn to accept people for who and where they are. You're doing well at not taking things so personally or losing your temper any more. People see you as calm, cool, and collected, and very down-to-earth, and your quiet reservation for observation and not judgment. They look to you for advice. And you have so much love to give. When you love, you do so so deep down to your core that you can feel it in everything that you say and do, but beware to allow that love to blind you. Everyone is just as human and imperfect as you are. All you can do is be yourself and love them for who they are. But most importantly, you have to love yourself. Some people will until you learn to, but that only goes so far. If you don't learn to love yourself, you'll continue to push people away with your self-hate. It's okay to be proud of yourself -- total self-loathing is an ego problem, too, and the key is humility and moderation. You are not the scum of the earth, nor the cause of all the world's problems. You can only control you, no one else. You are not a number on a scale or clothing label; you are not your external appearances. All of these things change over time, and you will never be anyone but you -- that's what matters. 

I love you. 

Love, Sarah

I was actually supposed to process this letter in group, but with the holiday schedule and me leaving right after the New Year, there was no time. I did have another girl read it one day, and she nearly cried! We'd gotten so close in the two weeks we were there together and she knew how tough that was for me. I still feel really ridiculous, but amazingly it helped so much. Sometimes I still read it to myself when I'm having a really bad day. It's something I highly recommend trying. It can be short, long, silly, serious, whatever. You can write one and reread it over and over or write new ones anytime you need them. I'm so happy to have found some peace with myself after being forced to sit for forty-two days, or at least I have it today. 

I also take the concept of daily meditation very personally these days, as well, and first thing upon awakening, read the daily Just For Today and do the corresponding page in a copy of Hazelden's Twenty-Four Hours a Day that a past AA sponsor gave me in 2014. It helps to center me for the upcoming day. Talking to others in recovery helps tremendously as well, and I'm always amazed at who comes to me with their problems, whether they are looking for suggestions or just a listening ear. I am by no means equipped to give advice, but I can share my experiences and maybe that will prevent someone else from making the same mistakes I have.

I suppose that was the whole point of this awkward post, that I want to help people however I can but still work on what I need to do for myself. When I get home, I'm going to continue to do IOP until I'm discharged, attend meetings daily, stay connected, get back into the gym, ease back into work and school, and continue to focus on what I need to do for my own sanity. I would never break anyone's anonymity, but I'm willing to put out my own if it'll make any difference, because that's all that matters.

And now back sorting through dusty things for my next post! :)