Catch-Up Stuff!

And once again, I've gone way too long without an entry. I keep meaning to do better, but life gets in the way. I haven't even journaled since my last blog post in January! As someone who has always found comfort in writing through my feelings, no wonder life has felt so overwhelming! Writing is an outlet for me, where I can be far more personal and vulnerable than maybe I'm capable of saying out loud, and when I don't make time for it, it just all bottles up inside until I want to explode. So that's my goal with this entry, to get caught up on the events of the past few months and talk some about what's going on in my life today.

I completed my first full year back at school earlier this month, and though I dropped some classes and didn't make the best grades in the ones I finished, simply making it that far is a huge accomplishment for me. I'll return in the fall, and for now I'm taking the summer off to catch up on the online veterinary assistant course I've been taking, am still working full time, and will be assistant manager soon, so I'm taking those training courses during the week. I brought home a new baby who is now four months old, and is a total spam. Her name is Kali and she terrorizes poor Bee, but I think he's learning to tolerate her now. My apartment is coming along slowly but surely, and feels more and more comfortable each day. I've been slacking off at the gym and having a lot of trouble with food again though, and that's what brings us to the realness of today. I got back on my antidepressants over about two months ago and went back to the same dosage I'd been on, which helped for a couple days, but something's not right in my head and no amount of serotonin being pumped into my brain and repressing the desire to overeat can beat my emotional bingeing as a coping mechanism / way to punish myself for whatever I happen to feel the need to be punished for. I'll do really well for a few days to a week, then make the mistake of thinking I can eat something sweet, and it starts all over again. It's not nearly as big a deal when I'm working out regularly, but I've been lacking motivation at the gym and so that has suffered tremendously. I've put on far too much weight again, and with the annual NA Spring River trip right around the corner, I feel completely defeated and like I'd rather skip it and curl into a ball in a hole and hide for the rest of my life. I'm self-conscious as it is, but the idea of being in a bathing suit whether I'm around friends, strangers, or even totally alone gives me so much anxiety it makes me physically ill. But enough about that. I complain enough to my sponsor and girl friends when I'm in a bad place, and I'm trying to stay out of the negative today. Besides, this isn't an ED post (I'm sparing you all, really).

I've been thinking a lot about my goals lately. I'm almost out of my twenties and the idea of growing older still freaks me out. I certainly didn't expect to have so little accomplished by 28. But on the flip side of that thinking, my experience have put me in a very unique position to not only help other people, but to teach me to truly work for what I want. Growing up, I can't exactly say things were handed to me, but I did have the advantages of growing up middle class, white, attending parochial schools, etc. I made really good grades without having to put forth any effort whatsoever, and could have gotten a lot more scholarship offers to different schools than I did if only I'd applied for them. Of course, all of those things don't mean that I was ever really okay, especially mentally and emotionally, despite how good it might seem on the outside or written down on paper. I say that to remind myself, most of all. When I feel depressed and really low, I have the tendency to get mad at myself and invalidate how I feel because so many people have it way worse off than I do, which is true, but that doesn't mean I don't feel what I feel. And hating yourself is exhausting. No wonder everyone has always told me I can't love anyone until I love myself; when I'm so busy putting myself down and sabotaging my own life, I don't have time for anyone else. So lately I've been doing my best to make time to work out, continuing to meal prep and start over even when I do slip up, catch up on my online assignments, keep up with my step work, keep in contact with women in recovery, take time to myself, and learn how to tell people no. (I've really been meaning to up my meeting attendance as well, but so far I'm lucky if I make it to my home group every week. Oops.) 

I'll officially have eighteen full, consecutive months clean tomorrow, and I want my two year birthday this November to be all about what I've achieved rather than dwelling on all of the slip ups of my journey to one year. I have my own place, I can pay all of my bills, I own my own car, I have a full-time job with benefits, I'm going back to school in pursuit of the job I've always wanted, and I have wonderful people in my life even if I don't see or speak to them as often as I'd like. And best of all I have two beautiful babies to greet me by the door when I get home every day, and who cuddle up with me all night. Sure, I want a lot of the things I was raised to believe were the end-all-be-all of human existence: a real, loving, stable, healthy relationship (possibly marriage one day); a home of my own with a big yard and thriving garden of both pretty flowers and foods; a dog (or five); my bills totally paid off and debt forgiven; a nice car, huge TV and entertainment system and all the other materialistic things I don't need but would gladly have if money wasn't an option; and the ability to travel the world. But right now - today - I am here, finally sitting down to get a few things out of my head. I went to the gym this morning, have eaten well so far, am about to do some studying and hopefully a little step work before I do a color at home, need to sweep the floors (but it'll probably wait until after the color), and might play a little Silent Hill and/or read before bed. It doesn't sound like enough in the hours of a single day to get me towards where I want to be, but I'm used to instant gratification, which never gives me anything substantial for long. Baby steps. Stay in for the long haul, stay focused, positive, and motivated. Keep doing the little things day in a day out, and they will pay off. I won't lose weight overnight just like I won't gain a million pounds from eating a few extra calories every so often, as long as it does not continue to be the norm. I'll never finish school if I keep putting it off, but even slowly by taking one or two classes a semester is helpful. Consistency is key, and complacency gets you no where but turned around.

Imperfection

Instagram story: @c0lter

With today being the designated "snow day" and thusly not having to do eight hours behind the chair, I suddenly find that I have plenty of time to do this update that I've been meaning to work on since my last one, haha. But really, I'd rather not go over twenty miles across bridges and through busy intersections with the people of this city behind the wheel. I don't quite trust my own decrepit car, let alone a stranger in the lane beside me. Who's going to get a hair cut today, anyway? We've been dead most of the week as it is. I woke up early to go to the gym where it was empty and hated that it was a cardio/rest day, because with the new year come all the resolutioners and no cables or benches to be found during certain hours of the day, and the whole weight area was wide open. I did do some hip thrusts because they're my favorite.

As for the subject at hand: I pulled a random topic at my sponsor's birthday meeting on Monday but didn't get a chance to share, and it's been on my mind ever since. "Imperfection." She chose these topics because they are different things that she does or has struggled with, and while some people drew some super obvious and relatable ones, I feel like imperfection is on a whole different level. Someone shared on "fear" and especially regarding relationships, and someone else shared about "codependency," and lord knows I can relate to all of that and then some, and various meetings I've attended since have either been about working with others and sponsorship, and last night was about the Fourth Step. There's a lot going on here so just bear with me; I tend to write very train-of-thought so I will do my best to keep it organized and not get too distracted.

I'm currently on my Sixth Step (for those of you not in a Twelve Step fellowship, that is "We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character"), and said defects are intentionally brought to light by working a Fourth Step inventory and going over it with another human being (ie. a sponsor) in a Fifth Step. Fourth Steps can be super intimidating, but they are so essential to getting anywhere. I saw my behavior patterns and so many of the same repeating themes, which go into my Sixth Step as some of my most glaring character defects: mostly, issues with control, holding others to unrealistic expectations, codependency, super low self-esteem/self-worth, holding on to the resentments of others, etc. I have a lot of fears specifically surrounding my relationships with other people, particularly close, intimate relationships. I compare myself to just about every female I encounter. I make friends easier with men because I crave male validation and not that I have a desire to be with them necessarily, but just because it gives me a sense of control. I get insanely jealous when another female interferes. There have been so many instances where I'm totally overreacting but whether we are strictly friends or not, if there is a new girl involved, you better believe I'm going to super compare myself and no matter how much of it is actually true, I'll always convince myself she's cooler, prettier, smarter, whatever, all of the above. I want to be liked, admired, loved so desperately that I put myself in terrible situations with people who are totally unattached who may have shown me five seconds of attention because that's all I feel I deserve. There is no such thing as real love and real connection, right? So I'd better get what I can or I'll just be completely alone forever. And that may very well be my fate, but if I accept and love myself, that's not so bad, right? And how do I go about that? 

Literature says that getting out of ourselves by doing service work and helping others is one of the most crucial methods of developing our self-esteem, but the program itself also emphasizes becoming a more responsible and productive member of society. So where's the balance? I work full time, am going back to school to earn my undergrad (full time this semester) in the pursuit of a better career, pay my bills, keep my home as clean as possible, try to be super organized, am actively working on my health and mental/emotional state by regularly exercising, eating better, and finally getting insurance so I can get regular checkups and just in case, etc. But those things alone take up so much of my time, and I still need to attend meetings. I don't have time to meet new people and fellowshipping with the friends I already have in the program is important, though during the school year I'm significantly limited. That doesn't mean I don't want to see or hear from my friends who aren't in recovery, but that's a million times harder to pull off simply because I won't potentially run into them in the rooms. I know I should be working with others, but I've been slacking on my own step work and talking to my own sponsor, and I'm too lenient and don't know how to practice tough love with newcomers. I'm either all up in their shit trying to fix them or totally absent from the situation all together. My attempts to eat better and exercise have gotten in the way of my abilities to socialize when I am able to, because my eating disorder is still there in the back of my mind waiting for the opportunity to fuck everything up, or tell me I'm not allowed to go out to eat with everyone after a meeting because I don't deserve food, or eat everything, or better yet don't be seen at all because you're too goddamn fat and hideous. Better to just hide and slave away at work or studying or go for a million walks a day or obsessively count calories in the guise of attempting this whole "macro" thing. I have a goal of over 1600 calories a day and unless I've binged, I may be lucky to hit half of that. I don't know how to do things intuitively. I'm all or nothing. How can I help anyone when I can't even help myself?

I was under no delusion that hitting a year would magically mean my life would be amazing. I'm too much a realist (some might argue a pessimist) to assume anything like that. I did, however, hope that putting all this time away from using under my belt would help to clear up my head. I know it takes time, longer for some than others, and as I stated before, I've hit a plateau in the work I'm putting forth because I'm so focused on what material gain I've received that I'm not sticking to basics. I'm fine for right now. I'm able to see that and know I need to change my behaviors. The biggest problem is one of my major defects is procrastination and laziness and this time of year does not help my motivation to get anything done. I just want to sit around and drink spiced tea all day and cuddle in bed and play video games or read or something. At least constantly obsessively killing the time in the gym is somewhat productive, right?

But okay, back to imperfection. I think a fundamental underlying issue in my mental illness and with most addicts as a whole is the need to control everything, to make life as perfect as possible. If you would only behave and do as I think you should, everything would be fine. If my family didn't keep junk in the house, I wouldn't have an issue with overeating. If people didn't drive like idiots, I'd never have to rush across town anywhere. I've heard for so long coming in and out of the rooms how people would get some clean time and devote themselves to something like going back to school and being so successful, how maybe they never did well academically growing up but starting over went surprisingly well, and this past semester, that was not my experience. I did very well in school up until I graduated and went on to college where I just stopped caring once I found I had to do any work. I thought maybe since everyone always tells me how intelligent and smart I am, I'd find that I was better at school than I ended up being. I hate myself because I'm not the perfect student. I'm not the perfect employee, coworker, daughter, sister, girlfriend, roommate, spins, friend, whatever. I dedicate so much of my time to worrying about my body and it's not enough. I don't make enough money. Time moves by too slowly or too fast so I never have enough time to get anything done or I end up too lazy. I'm not good enough for anyone to stick around. It's so damn easy to get stuck in this negative loop! It's overwhelming and exhausting. I wish I could say I have better coping mechanisms today than I used to and I can snap out of it with no problem, but the truth is I don't. The improvements I've made have been to make it (as of today) 420 days clean, 308 days free from self-harm, and 117 days since I'd last purged. I haven't had a cigarette in almost six months and have gone over one without any nicotine at all. I haven't really stuck with my positive methods either, of writing or talking to people, but I'm not reacting on my first impulses, sleeping all day, starving myself, crying for hours on end, etc. I have been trying to make meetings and not be alone, and I'm sitting down to write this now. It's a mess, haha. This hasn't been the most uplifting post I've ever written by any means, but certainly not the most depressing. 

A year ago today I was on the way north to see Grandpa for the last time, and that's really hard to comprehend. So much has happened over the past thirteen+ months. So much that no matter how many times I talk or write about them, it still seems so difficult to just perceive, like last winter I should have died. Really, I should have died many times over the many years of my using and not, but I really, really should have this last time. Circumstances made avoiding treatment very difficult, but I didn't fight it this time because I genuinely wanted it. It took every bit of willpower to stay put for over 42 days, but I did it, and while I was in there I remember vividly thinking about how NA in the Memphis area is so small, and there are so few women with any decent time, and I would be doing a great disservice to any newcomer out there by failing in my own program when I could help someone else. Do I feel ready to sponsor? No. Do I feel like I'd be a good sponsor? Probably not. But what I've learned through my own experience is that it's not about being perfect, whether it's in a sponsorship, a friendship, even an acquaintance, it's just about being there for someone, being present, offering your experience, or just listening when needed. It's checking my own personal biases for the benefit of someone else and showing them the love and tolerance that was shown to me. Who cares if I like someone or who they're associated with or what they're doing or have done? As long as you're doing your best to progress, I'll stick around. And you deserve the same in return. I'm not interested in being cool and certainly not perfect, and I am working hard on accepting that I do not have to prove anything to be worthy of love and respect. This really did go all over the place. This is why I haven't been sharing in meetings; my mind is going in every different direction too quickly to stay on any one train of thought long enough to get it out so I don't make a whole lot of sense. Hopefully having typed it helps somewhat. But as for now, I'm going to get back to step work, maybe take a walk, and enjoy the rest of this spontaneous day off before going back to real life tomorrow. xoxo

Happy New Year!

Well, it's certainly belated, but if you keep up with my Instagram you've probably already seen that the first twenty-four hours or so of 2018 were rather rough for me. Without getting in to a lot of the internal drama that brought it on, I'm currently tapering off the Prozac I've been taking for the past year, am going through a lot of hormonal fluctuations, dietary changes, have bad seasonal affective disorder (and it's been gloomy as hell), and the moon was in Cancer and happened to be full the night of the first (hah!). But really, those are all excuses. Once again I let these unrealistic expectations of other people fill my head, and I put myself in situations to be reminded of how these same people are not good for me. It's my fault. And there are a lot of people out there who love me who do great things for me and go out of their way and I never appreciate them for that because they're not "the one", or because it's a woman instead of a man and men tell me what I want to hear rather than what I need to hear, and blah blah blah. This isn't supposed to be a post about my codependency issues though, so let me just end this rambling with the utmost love and gratitude to those people who have stood by me through it all, who never gave up on me when things got tough (and damn, do they--I'm not an easy person to deal with!), whether we've known each other years or only weeks; the ones with whom I brought in the new year; and the ones who pulled me back out of it by kidnapping me and forcing me to leave the dungeon that is my bedroom... or, well. The comfiest dungeon ever.

So! What to write about in this new year's post. I already began some obligatory review in the previous update, but I suppose I can get a little more in-depth since I have more time to sit down and type and friends have been asking for details. Let's start from the beginning then.

• January: Brought in 2017 at an inpatient treatment facility and went home Jan 4. Sophie went missing. Went to Connecticut to see my Grandfather take his last breath Jan 13 and spent the next week helping Mom clean out his things, and went snowboarding for the first time.
• February: Got back to working Steps. Started going back to the gym. Went with Mom to visit Grandma and Bob in Florida. 
• March: Went back to SportClips. Made a big ole post for NEDAwareness Week.
• April: Race for Recovery. Panic! at the Disco at the FedEx Forum. Bought a car.
• May: Spent most of the month working through a very devastating breakup. Decided to stay off social media for a while. 
• June: Spring River!
• July: Began work on my stomach piece. 28th birthday. Saw The Little Mermaid at the Orpheum with Mom and sisters.
• August: Finished half sleeve. Maggie passed Aug 7. Started back at Southwest for fall semester.
• September: Moved into an apartment with Tony and Bee.
• October: NA Halloween party. Attended my first wedding. Sparda passed away.
• November: Finally got a year clean! Spent Thanksgiving cleaning the apartment. Saw Phantom of the Opera at the Orpheum with Mom and Amanda.
• December: Christmas Eve at Aunt Liz's and Christmas day at Mom's. Spent New Year's eve at the NA party then caught the last half hour of the AA party before going to a friend's house to shoot off fireworks and set a massive bonfire. 

This year had a lot of ups and a lot of downs, but it's important for me to remember when I'm feeling low that all feelings and all experiences are necessary as a foundation on which to build the rest of my life. The things I go through, achieve, fail, etc., all contribute to make me who I am today and those are all important and they are all valid. (Does that mean I have to like any of it? Hell no.) I experienced a lot of death and loss and grief right off the bat, a lot of inconsistencies and trust issues within relationships, but you know? One of the most important things I heard all year that still rings in my head constantly, was when I first saw someone I love dearly after radio silence for years, when he told me that there was something different about me, that I'm still me but there was hope in me he'd never seen before, that he was proud of me and loved what I'd become. I'm the first to admit that I can be very pessimistic and negative and that's not really gone away, but I don't have to allow those thoughts to take over and affect my mood and my every action. I am capable of changing my behavior regardless of the thoughts in my head. Do I suffer from a disease that tells me things that aren't real and constantly tries to sabotage my thinking? Yes, but I have healthier coping mechanisms today, a better network of people around me, and I'm learning to be more independent and self-sufficient. I spend time with people when time allows because I want to and I genuinely enjoy their company, not just to escape myself. I don't need constant male validation (it helps, but it's not necessary, thank you). 

Most of all I'm working on learning balance and how to prioritize my time and energy to best achieve my goals. I have to work to pay my bills, but I also have to go to school to get a degree to make better money and do what I really want to do. That doesn't leave me with much spare time, but I have to work out because it's like therapy and even just an hour a day keeps me from totally hating my body. But I couldn't do any of these things if it weren't for my recovery, so where does all of this fit in? How do I make enough meetings a week and talk to and meet with my sponsor and do step work? Oh and I have to prepare all of my meals ahead of time because finding time to eat at work is difficult enough, I don't need to be reaching for junk and making things worse on my brain and my skin (it's getting better, I think), and making sure I drink enough water and stay away from sugar and limit my caffeine and I've given up smoking so I just want to eat all the damn time and it's so much! I haven' written even in my private diary for a while because finding time to sit still to organize my thoughts seems like such a chore. I get lonely and feel guilty when people actually want to spend time with me and I have to say no, but I'm also working on people-pleasing. I'm trying to learn to read through people's motives and decide who is good for me and who isn't, because I tend to be attracted to assholes because they're the fun ones but in the end I am left even more alone and confused and my feelings are hurt and that applies to friendships just as much as anything more intimate. Basically, I'm still learning a lot of things, but going into 2018 I have a lot more knowledge and experience under my belt than last year. 

Thank you to anyone who read through that mess. I feel like a lot more needs to be said to expand on any of those things, but at the moment I'm not sure how to go about that. I have a post planned to go more in-depth on my current meal plan and workout routine and maybe something about my top products from the past year (I may have an online shopping problem...), but if there's anything else I should write about, please feel free to make suggestions! I still have a little over a week before the spring semester begins and I would love to spend it writing! xoxo